This is what I was up to when I was offline.
On the day before I said I was going to take a brake, there was a prophet who came to our church and he preached a lot of things that I really needed to know and when he asked people who wanted to come back to God, me, my sister and other people came up and I really wanted to change for the better. I was sneaking at home, not really honoring my parents as I should and that was the main reason I was taking a brake, and it was giving me the opportunity to change my Mind set about you Miss_K. Well, things at work was going well and at home. I visited the forms off-line at like 1 week and a half later, to see who said bye to me and left a like, I saw that you didn't do either. I wasn't really surprised, considering what I did to you. I kept scrolling through and saw snoelle_fitzshine thinking about leaving the forms and wanted to do something, but seemed everybody else took care of the part. I looked through your art topic and saw you finished making my picture. It looked really great, but I think it would have looked even better to me, if I wasn't carrying hurt. I went onto the unknown's topic, and found you trying to talk to unknown a lot, and really wanted his help. I just reading what you said to him about how much you mess him and I just thought 'you could have just said you wanted to be with Unknown'. And saw you apologies to everyone about how you felt and well one side of didn't want to help, the other side still wanted to. I went in game and copied your outfit that maybe you could see me still trying to do something for you, but stopped it the next day because I thought I was just wasting my time. Thought about snoelle_fitzshine and copied her outfit and left it on for like 4 days just to show that I still care for her and wanted to do something instead of nothing and after that, it was enough for me to remain not looking on the forms for a month, but I found things that was wrong with me during that time. Well I was off, I kept on thinking about you for like as you said in you poem. 'First thought of the day, last thought at night' and that it had been going on for ages. I kept on thinking about I had wronged you and what I had said and I really wanted to let go of what I said and what I actually imagined on how you made me feel in a negative way. Well one side of my head wanted to forget you, the other side wanted to be a friend, and just came shooting back and forth, back and forth. It was annoying because the friend side said all the things we use to do in the past and how all the things you said about how you felt and how you wanted to be a friend in a way, but didn't know how. And the other side just shot the things I did that was wrong to you, wrong you did to me (also, you didn't do anything wrong to me, I'll explain further on) and the things I said and thought it will be a miracle if you still wanted to be friends after all this, but that I was just dreaming and that it won't happen because it seemed thou that I never was. There were times I wanted to come back, there was always a voice saying to me 'give it two months, give it two months'. That had been in my head even at the time I was gone for two week, the voice keeper on reminding me 'give it two months'. That's when I thought that is how much time I have to change before I come back online, two months.
I was doing bible study and thought about gathering all the good morals in the bible and all the bad ones and put them into two lists. Well I was doing it (this was some I was doing for 2 months and still going) I was sorting out the bad ones and when I came across the word 'envy', did not really take much notice if it, until I looked up on the definition and it means 'a resentful feeling that a person has towards someone who has qualities of possessions that one would like for themselves.' And when I read that after a while, i was shocked. I could not believe that I was letting that be my guide this whole time. Everything I was doing since I feared about losing you as a friend to him, that was when envy started to grow in me and I did not identify it sooner. Sure, you made promises to me that you said that you would/wanted to do but didn't and it hurt, but the simplistic thing that I could have was just wait longer. You didn't brake any promises, just didn't fulfill them yet. And there were things that you said and I thought of them as a lie because I use what you do for me compared to unknown that you are better at being a friend to him then me and it seemed logical, but that was all just a misunderstanding and I made it negative. Well, when I found that that is what I was feeling, any thought that was being lead by that, I had to get it out of my head, but it still lingered in my head, maybe because it had been growing in my head and sucking the friendship out of my heart that it was going to take ages for it to die out of me that I needed time do more study, more prayer, and hoping I wasn't too late to get a friend back. Also, well I was off, i thought of myself as being a really bad friend to you and on two nights, I cried with just tears rolling down my face when I was just looking at the ceiling, thinking what I had done and that I was sorry, that it may already be too late because I thought 'as long as she being with unknown, she will be fine. At least she has the friend she always wanted and who had not hurt her. I'm sorry K for not being the friend you wish you had'.
Well, I looked at the forms a month later then when I did last time, I saw that you actually wrote something on my topic. My eyes widened and I was surprised that you even made a poem. Let me tell you, reading that poem so many times, at so many different places, that i know it off by heart. There were some bits that I remember that some parts set me off because I thought it was not true, but considering how I had been from your point of view, I was clear that you were right, most of it. And different thoughts of positive and negative thoughts came to mind and It just danced for ages in my head. Thinking this part means this, this part means that, she does mean this, she does not mean that, and I thought that you did not want to be a friend to me, but the one line I held onto was 'praying that my friend would keep'. 'I was still her friend? Why she still want to be a friend to me?' I read the next post in 'series of unexpected events topic and saw you made the next part in it and for just about more then a week, I was imagining how I was going to write the next part, and It was not pretty how I was going to do it in my head (but I have a good one now. Don't worry) And i saw you noticing me on in the 'taking brake' topic: 'hope that your doing it, and that your still alive'. And the 'it's been a while since I’v seen ______': 'i wonder when EmmanJumpsong1 will be coming back'. And seeing Eerie missing me a lot, Julie too, and missy, badcop, Ava, especially Eerie (sorry Eerie, I really missed you too) and I was happy for a moment. then though the moment has past that I thought the missing wore off, but I did not know that for sure until I come back on and see properly. Eerie, I read your 'hammer' poem and played the song at the same time and it was cool, really cool. Well, time went further on and my family, since me and my sister gave our lives back to God, we got back into out family time as a family early in the morning and it was my sisters's turn to teach us a word for today and she asked us my family 'who thinks they are going to heaven when they die?' My family put their hand up, but I didn't. They looked at me confused and asked me why and I said 'I don't think i am going to heaven until I use YouTube for the right reason and until i say sorry to someone on the forms'. My parents wanted to know what happened, but I just wanted to forgive and forget and my dad asked 'is it that girl?' (I told my dad that I made you cry a long time ago, and he is, well, concerned for me) And my sister 'I beat it is a girl. It is always a girl'. I said yes and they all started to tell be things that were to prevent me from getting back on. 'Why do you want to go back? How do you know it is not a guy pretending to be a girl? You know there are creeps out there. She might have moved on already and your still worried about it. Just get on, say sorry then get off. That forms has missed you up.' My family may have said things that were not healing, but they were looking out for me. I told them that 'I’m getting back on i 2 weeks, on say sorry, ... and want to stay.' My dad did not like it, but he is trusting me on it.
Well, Eerie I read your other poem and it made me laugh, and feel bad and that you still missed me, it was not easy staying away from that. Went onto the ‘ever-glowing embers’ story, and K, saw that were thinking about leaving my character out of it, all I could say is that I don’t blame you if you did. (Also I’ll give it a review when I have time, it’s good.) and basically most of the time after that, it was just me and envy fighting inside my head on what I was willing to see, and what I was going to forget. I decided that there are always going to be good and bad things happening in everybody’s life. The only difference is what was I willing to see. Reading the bible has helped me a lot to see what it is too be a friend and what it is I needed to change. These were the verses that helped me have a better mind set and made my eyes water up when they reminded me of you. Proverbs 17:9: He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends. Proverbs 18:24: A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother. Proverbs 19:6 Many will intreat the favour of the prince: and every man is a friend to him that giveth gifts. Proverbs 27:6: Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. Proverbs 27:9: Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so doth the sweetness of a man's friend by hearty counsel. Proverbs 27:10: Thine own friend, and thy father's friend, forsake not; neither go into thy brother's house in the day of thy calamity: for better is a neighbour that is near than a brother far off. Proverbs 27:17: Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend. So, at the end, I was still feeling angry well I was working at my job, and I just prayed to him that I did not want to be angry with you and unknown and that I wanted to be better. And when I did ask for that, I just felt peace after that and I was really happy after that. I asked him to take my envy away from me and he did that too. Now, after all this I was scared of seeing you again. Did not know if you did those nice things because you wanted to or because you were afraid what I would do if you didn’t. If I did not come back, the reason I would be that I would stay away from you, but not because you hurt me, but it was so that I can stop hurting you. But then again, am I going to stay off because of a mistake I did when it can be settled and done with? If I had stay away, that would have made me a user of a friend and a coward. Being a friend has to stay through good AND bad times. If I can go through the good times, what’s wrong with the bad ones? Things pass, things change, but everybody has the chance to choose what it is that they want to remember. I did not want to leave, knowing that I had hurt someone and that there was a chance for me to do something, but that I didn’t because I did not know what that person will think that if she still was willing to try to be a friend, it will be a miracle. Because if it was my sister going through something like this, I would have advised her to stay away from that guy. well, when I did come back, and saw you had been on, I wasn’t sure you were going to say hi and I was going to leave you alone, but you came and said more then that, and it made me really happy when you did. i am still surprised that you still want to be a friend and i don't know why. Reading your posts, and it was like the old days, and I did not have any envy in me which made things a lot more easier to hang in the forms.
Other things happened well I was off. Received a pay rise at work, a very good friend in real life I haven’t seen in more then 2 years came and visited me well I was working and i was really happy to see her, and she was really happy too, and she brought her dad with her. My dad, me and my sister spent time with her all day the next day and she was asking me if I still remember things we use to do and she got disappointed when I could not remember some stuff and I felt bad about it. Also I switched jobs from ‘grocery assistant’ to ‘air conditioning.’ Great thing about it is that I can finally go to work in the morning and not at the afternoon. More time with family, can also see my sister more often when she come home from school. Bad thing about it, I have to go in women’s bathroom and we constantly knock on the doors to see if anyone is in before entering. done bible study, typed out my role-play, did the things I haven’t done in ages because I was on the Aetherlight and it was a nice change well it lasted.
So, that’s that.