Yeah, this actually makes sense to me. I will be praying for you. I hope you get out and you get your honesty back.
Yes, it is a gift to be able to say what you really think and to be able to do what you really want to do without feeling that you have to hide it, lest you be judged. The only way you learn what a gift it is if you lose it, and most of us do. But it is a valid goal to get it back, and you should do whatever you have to do to reach that day. Maybe you don't know how good that is yet. I'm telling you, you should get to the place you can do that without having your true self trampled on.
And whoever is forcing you to lie and sneak and manipulate, those people are wrong. They are wronging you. The real you, that is, that they believe doesn't deserve to live.
Remember, God made you, the real you, not the lies you feel you have to tell other people. You don't have to change the real you to fit him; he died for you and he promises to change and transform you himself. This doesn't mean that we should disobey God's loving commands, but it does mean that we don't have to lie to other people about who we are and what we do.