Okay, @Jacoby_Elderfun1... here's my opinion.
Rotten Potato Opinion
One of my first mistakes in Aetherlight: Origins was that I mushed all the sentences together to make one big paragraph. Well, I had to fix that because it was confusing to read and people were having a hard time with that. I think that's half of the reason in your case.
To describe, here's an example:
One big block of sentences and speech. It's hard to follow along because apostrophes are small and the words are already a bit hypnotizing if you stare at it too long. My suggestion is this, put more spacing between so you can make smaller and more descriptive paragraphs. This helps in two ways,
one, it's easier to read one thing at a time so people can go through your story with ease
and two, when you separate them, you can just as easily go back and reread certain sections of the story and possibly prevent or fix HUGE mistakes that you would've missed otherwise.
Here's the other half of the problem. It's just not as descriptive, (and therefore interesting), as we would like it to be. Part of that might be because you didn't' section things off, so you just zoomed through without looking back and filling in empty spots. Here's an example:
Look at the first part. We really have NO idea who's talking. Only who that person is talking to. Up until the point when you reveal her name, (@Violet_Applehelp1 is the person right?), readers are going, "Huh? Whassat? Who's talking?" Then possibly waste time going over that part over and over to try to find what they missed.
Another thing you could've done was this:
This variation gives more detail of what is going on at the moment. It also gives a quick introduction to @Violet_Applehelp1. It tells you more about the seriousness of the situation and Lucky as well.
This variation tells us about how Lucky acts in a time like this. It gives us a glimpse into his personality and daily world. It also makes the speech much clearer and easier to understand.
I hope this review helps, @Jacoby_Elderfun.