Okay, this is over and done with, but I've been summoning courage to tell this to you since, forever.
A while back I noticed that every time I saw your character's names I would cringe instead of be overly excited. It was weird. I suddenly just hated the fact of anything even related to your characters being near me. I felt awful. I acted and played along with your characters until I would just find something else to do any time one of your characters appeared. I felt so guilty and so awful that I had an irrational fear of a figment of imagination. I was terrified of even looking at people making references of the famous books and plays that your boys come from. I wanted to hide, I wanted to disappear and make it all go away. Any time Hyde's name would appear on the screen, a sinking feeling that he would somehow attack me, or he would hate me, or that I would do something that would make him look upon me in disgust and hatred poisoned my brain to the point of silent mental breakdowns and panic attacks in my room. I couldn't face you about it. I didn't even think about what you thought. I was so terrified that your boys secretly hated me. Every time I was on the computer I would think that they were judging me, silently laughing and looking down on me. Every time I was off the computer I would think that somehow you and your characters would find a bad decision I made in the past and hate me for it. I let fantasy conquer reality. After weeks and months of prayer, my stupid irrational fear disappeared, and I felt amazing.
I was scared of you, Vytanni. I was scared of you and your characters.
I only once let it slip. Only once. And even then, I knew you would pass it on as me being slightly weirded out or contributing to role play. It was the moment when I was talking casually about that stupid, stupid poster for Jekyll and Hyde in a thrift store. Hyde's emotional breakout scared me so much, it felt like being cornered by a wolf, and Hyde was that wolf. Every time Hyde would have some emotional flip-flop and turn horribly angry or any other negative emotion besides sadness I would feel like running away. I wanted to hide and never return. Simply looking at a book in a library for children that was loosely based on Jekyll and Hyde made my heart rate spike. I opened the book, looking like I was casually wondering what it was about, when on the inside, I was horror-stricken and wondering why I even had the courage to keep on staring at that stupid book.
My fear was mostly about Hyde, but that didn't stop me from still fearing Henry and Erik. I would just imagine them finally cracking and telling me how weird and gross and awful I was. How I was stupid and naive for ever thinking that they loved me. How the special place I had in my heart for them and Vytanni might as well be empty. These are the things people have ground into my mind over the years. I'm weird. I'm gross. How they wish they never met me. I was so utterly terrified they would rebuke me in such a way I gave up all hope of even being considered as a friend.
I hope you can forgive me. The fear is gone, and I still love you and your characters. Your great people, and you always have been. I was so engrossed in my fantasies at that point in life I couldn't tell book from dream from reality. I still have a bad problem with mixing my old dreams and reality. I'm sorry.